Have you picked up a book or magazine about parenting? Did you read about time out? I’ve read about it, tried it, and taught it. Imagine my surprise when parents confided that time out wasn’t working. I already knew it didn’t work very nicely for me. We were all using traditional, punitive, time out.

Time out is far more than a popular form of punishment. Do your remember the hand signal during your last basketball game that stopped everything? In sports, time out is used to sluggish the pace, communicate the strategy, and redirect the energy toward a goal. The same is true when parents use non-punitive time out. It becomes a coping skill, a strategy, a time to regroup.

Punitive time out (punishment) requires absolute consistency to be effective. Who can manage that? Imagine putting Sue in time out at the market with people watching. Try to manage time out during the sermon at church. Punitive time out is easy to understand and can decrease physical abuse; however, I frequently hear that frustration and conflict really increase. Have you ever held an unwilling child in a time out chair? Definitely conflict! Also, Johnny might not connect the current punishment with his next opportunity to misbehave.

Grandma used non-punitive time out when she counted to ten. She paused so that her words and behaviors would not really be destructive. Everyone remained calm. Privileges were not removed and isolation wasn’t generally required. Frustration and conflict decreased for everyone. Beware, results don’t come quickly and misbehavior doesn’t disappear. Mary might tease Spot later or hit Brian on the playground.

When time out becomes a coping strategy, it is portable and may spread to other situations. When Terry discovers that time out keeps him out of trouble at school he might just try it at home when he is ready to clobber his brother.

Teaching time out is easy. Children are keen observers of adult behavior, watching everything we do. Let them watch you. When you are angry say, “I am feeling irritated and need time out to think. We will talk about it afterward.” Later, when you notice early signs of trouble for your child, suggest a time out to regroup. You might actually use a hand signal for time out, like at the basketball game.

“So where is the punishment?” you might ask. If you use non-punitive time out to prevent misbehaviors, punishment probably will not be needed. When misbehaviors continue, natural or logical consequences will always suffice.

Learning to manage strong emotions and behaviors does not need to be painful. Be creative. One parent I know actually suggests that toys can be placed in time out. I think that only might work for cell phones, video games, and other toys.

The author has written more about child’s time out chair here: child’s time out chair